LETTUCE.

this horrifying affront to arceus is named lettuce. lettuce killed almost half the indigo league out of sheer spite for no reason because lettuce is a god of chaos. he impersonated wills identity for the lols.

lettuce is an unfeeling god of destruction. he feels nothing towards anyone. except blue. blue is his friend. well. he thinks blue is his friend. blue is trying to get away from him. but hey, he found red for him. and shoved him off the side of mount silver. (dont worry reds fine.)

can shapeshift. stole a palkia. trans.

allergic to salt.

LETTUCE CASUALTY COUNT:

1. FALKNER - DEAD

2. BUGSY - INJURED

3. WHITNEY - SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED

4. MORTY - SLIGHTLY INJURED

5. CHUCK - UNSCATHED

6. JASMINE - EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED

7. PRYCE - DEAD

8. CLAIR - DROWNED

9. BROCK - ALIVE

10. MISTY - ATTEMPTED MURDER

11. SURGE - DEAD

12. ERIKA - ALIVE

13. JANINE - ALIVE

14. SABRINA - ATOMIZED

15. BLAINE - ALIVE (albeit disturbed)

16. BLUE - DEAD (inside)

17. WILL - IDENTITY: STOLEN

18. KOGA - ALIVE

19. BRUNO - ALIVE

20. KAREN - ALIVE

21. LANCE - ALIVE

22. RED - GRAVELY INJURED

23. EUSINE - BULLIED RELENTLESSLY

24. AAAAAAAA - DEPRESSED. PROPERTY: STOLEN

TRUE CASUALTY NUMBER UNKNOWABLE. ALL TEAM ROCKET ADMINS DECEASED

THE LETTUCE LORE.

Lettuce, a distraught psychic cursed with an uncontrollable shapeshifting ability, embarks on his own Pokemon journey. Choosing his trusty Probopass, known as “Behold A Man,” out of the three starters he was offered, he kept her with him until the end of his journey. Right after leaving, he meets AAAAAAAA, a young hot-blooded trainer with a grudge against him. AAAAAAAA chose Staryu, the other Pokemon that was offered to Lettuce. Due to the fact that AAAAAAAA is a bitchass motherfucker, Lettuce kicked his shit in, thus sparking their intense rivalry. Lettuce goes to Violet City first of all, meeting with the Timelord Gym Leader Falkner (fuckner), the bird master, without a single fucking bird. He does the same to him as he did to AAAAAAAA, annihilating all of his hopes and dreams, before shoving him off the side of his stupid gym that is a massive safety hazard. Shortly after this, Lettuce gains a new form: Will Pokemon. Nobody knows how the fuck it happened. It just did. For the majority of the story Lettuce is just Will. He goes to beat up a small child, Bugsy, using his new form. He, as expected, wins. Such violence is becoming a daily occurrence to Lettuce. He also begins to build up his team, catching other Pokemon such as Man, the Spiritomb, Woolman, the Flaaffy, and Woman, the Ludicolo. He never begins to question how, or why, all of these Pokemon are so horrifically misplaced, as it merely happens. After travelling to Goldenrod City, he beats up Whitney, making her cry. He doesn’t stick around long, only long enough to grab a bike and immediately get the hell out of there. He then finds himself in Ecruteak City, in search of the gym leader. He enters the Burned Tower, checking to see if he is there. He doesn’t find him, instead meeting face to face with AAAAAAAA once again. Little does Lettuce know, AAAAAAAA has become one of the most powerful Pokemon trainers of all time, having a Heatran and Palkia. Lettuce, however, doesn’t care, and kicks his ass anyway. AAAAAAAA has a mental breakdown and ends up throwing his Palkia and Heatran down the hole in the tower’s floor, presumably killing both of them instantly. Lettuce shrugs this off as typical AAAAAAAA behavior. Lettuce didn’t even notice the other two sad losers in the tower- the Gym Leader himself, Mortimer (Morty for short,) and some other random fuck named Eusine. Lettuce comes to know that Eusine is obsessed with the Pokemon known as Suicune, who happens to be at the bottom of the tower. Lettuce chases it away only to spite him. Eusine is either too oblivious to notice that Lettuce’s action was clearly intentional, or perhaps he was willingly ignoring it to maintain his sanity. Nonetheless, he doesn’t seem too upset, saying that this has happened countless times before. Lettuce takes this as an invitation to do it again. He travels back up the tower, seeing that Morty and the other one had left. He goes to the gym, and, as it turns out, having a gym be completely dark with huge cliffs doesn’t end well. Lettuce breaks every bone in his body multiple times, but due to his power to shift forms on the fly they all heal instantly. He continues to press onward out of sheer anger and the desire to beat the shit out of Morty just as he has done to the other three gym leaders so far. Morty falls just as his comrades once did, so Lettuce once again pulls a Falkner, shoving him off the side and leaving. Serves him well, he thought to himself, before ditching Ecruteak altogether before having to inevitably come back countless times, as it is the link to most other cities in Johto. Lettuce thinks to himself that this region is shit, which it is, but he has no control over this chaos, so he continues to press onwards. Lettuce, being horribly lost, somehow ends up at the Lake of Rage, not having any fucking idea how he got there. He got on his trusty Ludicolo and surfed across the waves, only to almost be murdered by a Groudon, but the wrath of a god is now nothing to him. He beats the shit out of it and finds a suspiciously Gyarados-shaped shiny Marill floating around alone in the lake. Using the last shred of empathy he has left, he caught it, dubbing him “Green Boy.” It evolved soon after and became Yellow, but of course he couldn’t be asked to actually change the name to reflect that. On his way back, he ends up meeting a cape-wearing trainer. He introduces himself as Lance, before immediately leaving and telling Lettuce to meet him at a souvenir shop. He goes to the location specified, walking in just in time as Lance, uncaring as ever, vaporizes a man with Hyper Beam, turning him into a fine red mist. Lettuce, now covered in the blood of the innocent, follows Lance as he kicks over a cabinet and finds a hidden staircase to a Team Rocket lair. Lettuce has no fucking clue what the fuck is going on, but he follows him anyway, ending up beating up some Team Rocket grunts before leaving. Apparently, he has to go do something else- he wasn’t paying attention when Lance was talking, so he went on a sidequest. Said sidequest led him to the seaside. Lettuce gets salt water on him and thus his physical form is violently ruptured causing his mortal body to be brutally transformed into various non-Will forms such as: a wave, a random lady, an inverted Lyra, the void, and of course, Nothing. Shortly after having his mortal form horrifically corrupted, he finds the ghost of AAAAAAAA’s discarded Palkia. He captures it in a single ultra ball, dubbing it Maaaaaan? He, of course, only did this to beat AAAAAAAA with his own Pokemon to rub salt into his wounds. He also defeated another gym leader on accident, Pryce, not knowing he wasn’t even supposed to do that yet, but of course, he doesn’t give a shit. Still descending to the depths of hell, Lettuce gives up and goes to a lighthouse. He finds the gym leader Jasmine tending to a sick Ampharos, so she sends Lettuce on yet another sidequest that he didn’t sign up for, which was finding the medicine for it. Unfortunately, Lettuce is a fucking dumbass and got lost at least 30 times trying to find said medicine. He was paying no attention when Jasmine said where to find it, so he ended up going to another city, swimming across an ocean, breaking his legs At Least 15 times, and completely annihilating his mortal form once again. He goes to the specified city, not knowing that was where the medicine was, beat up the gym leader, and went back. Without the medicine. After being sent back, he does the same process, gets lost in a cave, finally finds the medicine, and proceeds to eat it in front of the pharmacist. Taking pride in knowing that he has doomed Ampharos to death, he goes back to find Jasmine, finding out it’s already dead. He takes her gym badge as she is overcome by grief. Afterwards, he embarks out to find the last remaining gym leader. Lance doesn’t let him, as he drags him back to Goldenrod City, where Team Rocket’s base lays. He takes on the persona of a Team Rocket Grunt to infiltrate their base, but AAAAAAAA appears after having been absent for god knows how long. AAAAAAAA immediately and aggressively rips off Lettuce’s Team Rocket Grunt outfit with his bare hands and no remorse, making Lettuce question if this fuck is even human, but that was not the pressing issue as he was now without clothes. AAAAAAAA leaves after successfully publicly humiliating him, but not before finding out that AAAAAAAA was defeated by Lance before coming here, and now has a new rival that he can be needlessly angsty towards. After a brief trip to the Pokemon Center for a new set of clothes, Lettuce embarks on a new quest: to kill everyone in the building. He goes back, kills every single grunt and some dude called Petrol he can find, before being stopped by his one enemy on this mortal plane: a locked door. As such, he has to go on another FUCKING sidequest, to find a card that can unlock it. With help from the voices (Archie playing the game) in his head which he presumes are omnipotent gods, he makes his way to some unspecified warehouse under the city. Before he can get inside, AAAAAAAA comes back with a bloody vengeance. Assuming that he can no longer be as powerful as he once was, now that his Heatran was presumably deceased, and that his Palkia was now in Lettuce’s possession, he was sure that he had this one in the bag. AAAAAAAA, however- pulled out the God of the entire universe, Arceus himself. Lettuce knows that AAAAAAAA can’t do shit even with God due to the fact that he’s a shitty trainer, so he wins with minimal effort (1pp of rollout) and carries on. Returning to the Team Rocket-infested hell, he feels that for sure, he can win. He assassinated the other admins, Petrel (who came back somehow), Ariana, and Proton with zero effort. He goes to the top of the building, meeting the final admin- Archer. He expects this to be a walk in the park, just as it was many times before- but Lettuce was wrong. Archer has an ace up his sleeve. He pulls out a Registeel, an Exploud, and an Electivire. Lettuce’s one weakness (other than doors) turned out to be steel and electric types, as he had absolutely nothing to use against them. Archer murdered his team two times, before in a fit of rage, Lettuce consulted the Gods, spawning 900 rare candies and feeding them all to Maaaaaaaaaaaaan? Now filled with the power of a thousand suns, Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan? single-handedly destroys Archer’s entire team, causing him to finally give up and disband Team Rocket once and for all. (Until they show up 7 years later on some random island.) Finally free from Lance’s wrath, Lettuce finally goes to seek the eighth and final gym leader: Clair, Lance’s cousin. He goes to Blackthorn City and finds her residing in her lava-filled hellhole of a gym. After violently killing Clair's mighty Sunkurn, Clair has a mental breakdown over the fact her clearly godlike seed was defeated, she tells Lettuce to go to the cave behind the gym to pass a test. Lettuce immediately forgot where the entrance to the cave of dragons is, and instead of going behind the gym he travels towards Route 46 and gets lost. After being covered in Teddiursa in a cave, he panics and goes back, eventually actually finding where he was initially supposed to go. Lettuce FINALLY arrives at the cave and takes the test, somehow passing the test without failing thus causing Clair to have ANOTHER mental breakdown. Lettuce shoves her into the water and leaves. Clair, however, doesn't know how to swim due to living in a lava-filled gym. She drowns. He receives a phone call from the professor, telling him to get the fuck back to his lab, Elm then verbally berates Lettuce for merely existing, and tells him to go watch some people dance in Ecruteak. After travelling to that godforsaken city AGAIN, he arrives at the dance house, AAAAAAAA then slams into Lettuce at mach 2 on his way out of the Kimono Girl’s danceden, Lettuce laughs at how pathetic AAAAAAAA is and goes inside. After sweeping all the kimono girls they tell him about a bird or something, he embarks to Bell Tower. After getting horribly stuck for upwards of 20 minutes, he finally makes his way to the top. The Kimono Girls greet him, do a little jig, and presumably, Ho-Oh descends from the heavens. Instead, a Shieldon falls from the heavens, slamming through the roof of the tower and dying. Lettuce doesn’t know what the fuck to think and leaves, not bothering to catch it. The kimono girls sigh as yet another trainer passes up their legendary shield dinosaur. Lettuce, tired of this bitchass place, activates his hidden power: noclip. He instantly flies over to Kanto, finds the Indigo Plateau, and finally reunites with the one he stole his form off of. Will, confused as fuck, ends up being swept by Lettuce and his now infinitely powerful yellow orb and MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN???? before he has a chance to ask what is happening or even object. He carries on to find Koga, does the same thing, and then finds Bruno. Bruno is the only one in this stupid Elite Four so far to pose any threat- his Latios was powerful, but instantly fell to a single Spacial Rend. Next up was Karen, and before she had a chance to ask why Lettuce was in the form of Will, he kicked her ass and went to fight Lance. Lance, seemingly unphased that Clair had just been murdered, challenged Lettuce to one final fight in celebration of all they’ve been through together. And also probably Clair dying. Lettuce proceeds to win with no casualties, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?????? Having “peacefully” resolved the conflict by annihilating Lance’s entire team, which was actually decent, a near first for Lettuce. Lance accepts his loss with grace, inviting Lettuce to register his Pokemon in the Hall of Fame. Lettuce does as asked, immortalizing his team for all eternity, whether for good or bad. Lettuce can finally rest, after going through so much turmoil, murder, and chaos, he’s at peace.

and then he had to go to kanto FUCK

Written by zarithial because archie was too lazy (im archie) Lettuce, now suddenly in Kanto, immediately goes on a killing spree. Having no idea where to go, he went on a boat to Vermillion city. Surge tried to stop him from entering the country but immediately died and nobody cared so whatever. And then lettuce went elsewhere because this place smelled like electricity and thats dumb. Therefore he went to the opposite of electric, water. Lettuce went to cerulean city and found… nobody at the gym, he looked around and found the gym leader with some guy who ran off and died. Lettuce completely unphased then shoved misty off the cliff and into the water, she dropped a badge. (Un)Fortunately, Misty can swim so she didn’t drown. Unlike Clair. Next on Lettuce’s to-do list was to destroy whoever was the leader of the Saffron gym. He didn’t know who it was but he knew that he didn’t like them. Using his godlike powers he burst into the gym, levitated through the walls and straight to Sabrina who attempted to fight Lettuce. Lettuce then obliterated her with his immense godly power, this also had the side effect of somehow causing Whitney to die as well. Lettuce thought to himself, “Oh well, whatever,” grabbed the badge off the ground where Sabrina once stood and left. Lettuce caught wind of someplace called… Celadon. Lettuce thought, “Wow thats dumb, I bet the gym leader sucks,” he was right. Erika, as boring as ever, barely put up a fight and fell by the wayside, without lettuce breaking a sweat. Not that he could because he has 0 salt in his body and that's why he dies when he comes in contact with it. Ignoring that existential nightmare of being unable to cry, Lettuce then went on to find where the next gym is. It was in some place called Fuschia city, which meant it was purple. The gym leader was some ninja girl, apparently related to that Koga guy he absolutely annihilated in battle.. Janine was hoping that the invisible walls would stop lettuce’s advance. No such luck as lettuce simply walked through them and then decimated her team, earning himself the soul badge or whatever, he doesn’t really care these are mere trophies for him at this point. Next up on his list of targets: brock. Lettuce somehow bypassed ever going to Pewter city and thus had to navigate through the stupid Veridian forest to get there, it was stupid and dumb. Finally reaching Pewter city, lettuce for once obeyed the laws of reality and walked into the gym like a normal person. That is until he started walking straight towards brock, obliterating the gym trainers without a second thought. Brock stood no chance with his… bonsly… Anyway the boulder badge belongs to lettuce now :) Lettuce then had a brain blast and remembered a story about some jackass named blue He had an idea that he’d be hanging out at the place a volcano erupted, weirdo On his way to cinnabar island, lettuce gave up on the concept of surfing and simply started walking on water. This proved effective and also deeply frightening. Before blue could react, lettuce was behind him. He said something about all the mental issues he had Lettuce was like “yeah okay i don’t care” and left. He instantly got lost again before somehow finding his way to blaines gym which was in a cave for some reason. Blaine thought his ring of trainers would stall lettuce for time. Unfortunately lettuce is a god. Lettuce stormed straight through the walls of the circle and grabbed blaine violently Blaine was incredibly confused and lost before he could react He knew what was coming for blue and thus tried to call him on his pokegear to warn him. Lettuce snatched the pokegear out of blaines hands and said “omg hi blue!!! Hiii!!! Start running.” Blue started crying again Lettuce, briefly experiencing a brain hemorrhage or something completely forgot what to do and thhus went to viridian without talking to blue at cinnabar island. He realised his mistake, whent back to cinnabar, called blue gay then went bakc to viridian, flew through the gym, slipped on a tile and got hurtled backwards into a pillar. He flew back through the gym, slapped blue for that stupid trick then destroyed his team. His trump card: caterpie didnt stand a chance against greenboy. Now with the earth badge in his possession, he can finally go climb that weird silver mountain. He goes to the victory road gate, almost goes up to the pokemon league, remembers where to go and heads back to mt silver He starts sliding up the mountain but briefly forgets that while flying you can still trip over stuff. He remembers this by violently tripping over a sleeping regigigas that was just hangin’ out on the side of the mountain, he spent 5 minutes trying to catch it. He succeeded but was it really worth it? Probably not. Reggieman was sent to the box. Finally After all this time He arrived The top of mount silver. He heard nothing but the snow crunching under his feet and… someone humming There was a dude there, he was humming the pokemon red and blue elite four battle theme. Lettuce walked up to the guy and tapped him on the shoulder, he screamed really loudly like a girl and threw a shinx at lettuce’s face before sobbing I guess thats red His team consisted of Shinx Bonsly Ho-oh persian Pidgey and Entei He fought… well enough. Spammed full restores on his entei, but not even the powerful(?) red could stand up to the might of lettuce. Lettuce said “hey i think… blue is looking for you or something” Red replied “oh, uh… i guess i’ll go down” Then lettuce pushed him down the cliff and red rolled down mt silver screaming He was fine though dont worry, only a few broken bones. Broken bones never hurt anybody :) And then, finally Lettuce could rest For all the gym leaders and elite four were either dead, severely wounded, or emotionally destroyed. Or in chucks case, completely fine. Not even a scratch The end or something